May 2024
While the Mental Health Foundation of Nova Scotia supports community-based projects that encompass peer support, suicide prevention, youth, addictions, and education, a recent uptick in funding applications for projects that focus on understanding grief has been noted.
After all, grief is something all human beings face and contrary to popular belief, it looks different for everyone. For years now, experts have worked to counteract the idea that grief happens in stages over the year that follows loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The stages of grief model is rooted in the early work of psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who in fact was observing what terminally ill patients were experiencing emotionally. It was never intended to be applied to the experience of bereaved individuals.
Yet the belief prevails, influencing culture and conditioning people who’ve lost someone to believe there’s a formula for their emotions.
Matthew Fillier, a grief and bereavement practice lead with Nova Scotia Health, describes grief as one of the messiest and most painful experiences people encounter in their lifetime.
“It’s no wonder we’d prefer to divide it into distinct stages with a tidy estimated end time for our mourning period,” says Fillier. “Most people reading this column would conclude their grief is far from over at the one-year mark of their loss.”
He says a more nuanced understanding of grief is summarized well in grief counsellor Lois Tonken’s work, which adopts the view that grief stays with someone, but their life will grow around it over time. For many, the idea of grief as a passenger is a helpful perspective — one that doesn’t set an expectation of grief working on a schedule.
“There’s no right or wrong way to grieve,” says Fillier. “Your grief is not your enemy. It’s a normal human reaction to the loss of a significant or meaningful relationship we’ve come to depend on in our lives, and it’s our body’s way of telling us what that attachment meant to us.”
When it comes to supporting a bereaved person, keep in mind that it’s normal for them to crave time away from social life following their loss. Many people will eventually feel ready to reengage with trusted members of their inner circle, often with a desire to recount memories of the person they lost or how the loss unfolded.
“For those privileged to hear a griever relate their experience, it’s important to listen in an attempt to understand them, not to fix them,” explains Fillier. “They are metabolizing and trying to make sense of their grief. All of us can play a role in compassionately offering that to our friends, families, and neighbours.”
It’s also helpful to try to identify subconscious strategies a griever uses to cope with their emotions. People who lean toward “instrumental grieving,” he says, often busy themselves with hobbies or tasks more often than before. Those who grieve “intuitively” may find themselves seeking comfort in grief support groups. People can move along this spectrum at any given time, so meeting them where they land can be a powerful gesture of compassion. The intuitive griever may appreciate company when they attend their next support group, while the instrumental griever could find comfort in teaching a relative how to knit.
Recognizing the significant impact grief has on mental health and wellbeing, the Mental Health Foundation of Nova Scotia recently provided Community Grant funding to several grief support projects across the province.
In Paqtnkek Mi’kmaw Nation, the Paqtnkek Healthy Grieving project provides opportunities for community members to engage in a culturally appropriate process of healing through grief. Halifax Hospice offers free bereavement support to anyone in Nova Scotia who has lost a loved one. The Flourish 55+ Healthy Activity Society in Bridgewater will host a grief support group for those in the South Shore area, while The Maritime Play Therapy Centre in Tatamagouche is planning a weekly therapeutic group to help adolescents who are experiencing grief.
In the wake of loss, there’s no singular path through grief because it’s a deeply personal experience. Bereaved individuals will find avenues for healing when they’re ready. In the meantime, showing compassion and offering companionship may help to remind them that grief is a journey, not the destination.